I am not the only one who has loved and has been disappointed, in fact I have been someone who has disappointed my lover/lovers, yet this I must claim to be anything but trivial. My failure of love story is a great tragedy which almost succeeded in breaking me, yet here I am blogging casually about it, I am a rock that has an organic heart.

I loved this girl, let’s call her Sarah (not her real name) for what it felt like eternity, and I could swear that for most part of that eternity, she loved me too. We even got engaged and yet weeks before our marriage, things fell apart. It took me two years and two months to erase her ever-presence in my life.

Our relationship was strained during the months leading up to the marriage, but I always thought that everything will be alright, once we were married, I hadn’t in my wildest dream imagined that there won’t be any marriage and I would be heartbroken, hence when it did happen, I was shocked and broken beyond repair. I couldn’t eat and I couldn’t sleep for at least two weeks. I lost a lot of weight, but the worst part were the nightmares. Every night I would dream of her, if I was lucky enough to fall asleep and I would wake up suddenly from my dreams, troubled as if I have been in a nightmare. Let me not be very modest and outright call them nightmares because even though they were about just normal stuff, her mare presence in them was enough to fill me with pain and despair. Slowly I recovered, on my own, I am too much of a man to go see a therapist. Even though I had recovered, I was still unwilling to let her go.

Throughout our time together, Sarah and I had made tons of memories. We had pictures, she had given me gifts like shirts and a wallet which I was totally unwilling to part with. I even had a piece of cloth from her bridal dress which she gave me so that I can buy groom’s dress using it so that both our dresses are in sync with each other aesthetically. Thanks to google, I was remined of those memories almost every week via google photo’s notifications. I told myself that by keeping those pictures and items with me, I was proving to her that she doesn’t affect me, but honestly, I was just fooling myself. I was so enraged by our separation that I decided to never forgive her.

It took a while, well more like 2 years to realize that what I was doing isn’t healthy. In order to be truly free from the pain of the past I needed to do two things, first I needed to forgive her and second, I had to let her go. Forgiveness doesn’t come naturally to me, but I managed maybe with 90 percent accuracy. I am 100 percent certain that I forgive her 90 percent. After forgiveness, it was time to let her go, forever. I had to treat her as if she were dead, I had to hold a funeral and so I did. 29th day of every month had always been special to us, because on 29th March in this life, I told her that I loved her, and she reciprocated. Hence, I decided that on 29, I will hold the symbolic funeral (which was yesterday: 29 April 2025).

I had to erase all the memories, and it was no easy task, yet I did with utmost dedication. Prior to 29, I compiled all her pics from my various devices and google photos. I named the compilation goodbye_{her_name}. I brought a new wallet. On 29th morning, I finished the compilation, deleted all the pics from everywhere (it went to trash) and zipped the goodbye_{her_name} folder and buried into the drive of my secondary Gmail account (yeah it survives but somewhere where sun doesn’t shine). In Hinduism, when someone dies, we hold 12 days funeral for the dead, we deprive ourselves of good food and comfort and after 12th day there is ceremony in which the dead is let go followed by religious worshipping and then we eat the best of foods available. This symbolizes that while it’s important to show our respect to the dead, it is equally important to value the living. I replicated the same funeral for her, but instead of 12 days, it was for 12 hours. On 29th, I didn’t eat any food, I survived mainly on tea, coffee and water. In the evening, I went to a temple, and before going inside, I threw away the wallet which she had gifted me a long time ago, the wallet had the piece of her bridal dress. I deleted her number and her chats. I emptied the trash which had all her pics and just like that I had finally let her go. Post letting her go, I thanked gods, ordered tasty burgers from Macdonald and ended the full grieving cycle.

It was the day before yesterday and I would be lying if I say that I feel lighter already, however there are a few visible changes, since her pictures are gone, I won’t be notified by google almost every other day. I have few reasons to think about her now. I can say for certain that I am no longer in her grip. I am in control of my life and it’s mine to steer in any direction I want. I am free.

There will be more dreams, and she might pop in some of those dreams, but I strongly believe that when she returns, I would welcome her with all my hearts because her presence would no longer be a nightmare, but a pleasant dream, for the time spend together (minus last 3-4 months) are nothing sort of invaluable experiences that I will cherish forever. By giving her a symbolic funeral I have brought her from my nightmares and into my pleasant dream where she will live until I take my last breath.